Vietnamese beauty garners strong fan base in US adult industry

In her tender year years Tila lived in a Buddhist temple, observing strict Buddhist faith. "I remember from the ages four to eight I lived in a Buddhist temple. We had very strict rules. I don't think our temple was like any other. We all lived in a private community that was gated all around so no strangers would be allowed to enter. Even worse, we couldn't even leave without telling the gatekeeper first where we were going."

While Tila values her cultural roots and upbringing, at times it was trying, she said. "I remember feeling so trapped, like I had no freedom. I'd go to school, come home and ride my bike around the gated community.

"I remember glancing out beyond the gates one time and wanting so badly to go outside to play. I remember wanting so much to see what the world was like beyond the gates, beyond all the green trees and leaves surrounding, and hiding, our community. I wondered how my life would be and how different things would be if only my parents would move."

The United States' diverse facade finally bore fruit for an unhappy Tila. Her parents did finally relent from the orthodoxy of their faith and moved to a more open lifestyle. While Tila rejoiced in a life outside the gates of her small community, she also felt the loss of leaving those friends behind that she had for so long cherished.

Tila's adolescent years

Tila feels blessed to have never been relegated to the designations of Asian bookworm, dork or outcast as a young woman in her elementary and high-school days. "For some reason," she related - but now it is obvious to many - she was generally popular. But in defense of the little guy, she never used her popularity against the "dorks and the dweebs", but instead wielded it to give angst to the "dork beaters and bullies", proving that she is not only lovely but a humanitarian, with a soft spot in her heart for the "dorks" of the world.

Sadly, in America's tumultuous educational system rife with adolescent competition, this did not stop Tila from becoming something of an outcast, ready to speak her mind and defend her stance, especially when she found herself in prep school. Seems Mommy and Daddy were doing good for the young Miss Nguyen.

She was having none of it, though, and rebelled against institutions and daunting male adversaries alike.



High school - Tila style By Tila Nguyen

It's so true what they say about your high-school years. It's either the worst days of your life or the best! In my case it was absolutely one of the best times of my life. My high-school days were the fucken bomb! While it's true that I skipped school almost every day, I still loved every minute of it, from my gangster-thug days, to my first love, to learning more about life and becoming a young lady. I think high school had a lot of do with molding me into who I am today.

I can still remember my first day of high school. I was so excited, but at the same time I was pretty nervous. It was definitely different than elementary and middle school. So much bigger and so many people! I remember being all dressed up like it was a freakin' fashion show. C'mon, don't even lie, you know damn well being in high school was like being in a fashion show every day - everybody always trying to look their best and stuff! And yes, I was one of those people for a while. So a lot of stuff happened to me throughout my high-school years, and I'm just going to break it down for you year by year so it will be easier to follow. I guess I will start off with my freshman year in high school.

Although I was only a little fish, I was still pretty popular. I had made a new best friend named Nancy. She and I both were like little thug midgets! We were both the same height, but we were two of the baddest bitches at school. Everybody at my school knew not to fuck with us because we were some gangsta bitches! Please don't laugh too hard at me - you gotta remember, this was in high school, okay? So anyway, as it was my first year and all, I definitely was trying to be a showoff and a badass. Nancy and I would skip school every day and go to some friend's house to get high and stuff. I remember I had never touched marijuana before in my entire life - until, of course, I started hangin' out with the "cool kids" and did typical teenager stuff. So I started getting high a lot with Nancy, and just being stupid.

Now this is how I started smoking cigarettes at the age of 15 as well. I used to smoke weed with my buds, and after we'd all get high they'd all smoke a cigarette. I would always decline when they asked me if I wanted one, and they'd always trip out. They were like, "You smoke weed, but you don't smoke cigarettes??!" So one day I thought to myself, "What the hell, I might as well try it out." So after I got stoned I took my first drag of a cigarette (Newports) and oh boy! I had the most narly headrush ever! It actually intensified the weed that was already in my system! So ever since then I started to smoke cigarettes as well. Yeah I know it's bad, but like I said - just doing the typical teenager stuff, okay?

So Nancy and I were pretty much known as the coolest freshmen at school and hangin' out with the big boys. I remember once I was really trying to be a badass by starting shit with this gigantic girl named Terry. I had no idea why I wanted to beat her up, but I just did. I think it was because I was going through this really dumb stage where I thought I was cool and it got to my head for a second. So I made a big deal about this fight that was gonna happen after school and everybody heard about it. Right when the last bell rang you could just feel the excitement in the air. I mean everybody went to the parking lot to meet up. It was crazy!

Terry finally showed up and she was totally scared of me. She had heard about me before and how I used to fight and beat people up, so she got scared. That made my ego get even bigger because here I am this short little girl next to this giant who's telling me that she doesn't want to fight me, in front of everybody! So I was like, "Hell no, bitch! Wassup?!" I was so lame! And my little sidekick Nancy was there as well - like I said, we were little thug bitches back in those days. So anyway, I told Terry to meet me behind this alleyway so nobody would see us. So pretty much the entire school jumped in their cars and followed us to the alley. Once we got there you could just feel the blood in the air. It was such an adrenaline rush.

So everybody got out of their cars and waited for us. I finally got out and I saw Terry standing there with her friends. She kept saying to me, "I don't want to fight you!" Right when she said that I pounded her in the stomach. She bent over and gave me a chance to pound her in the face and that's exactly what I did. Next thing you know there were about 20 people fighting. I couldn't see shit, so I just kept punching away. Next thing you know I realized that I was punching one of my other girlfriends 'cuz I couldn't see! Oops! So I guess the rumble went on for about, I don't know, maybe two minutes or so. You know how fights are - they seem like so long but it happens so freakin' fast!

After that I heard some cops coming - oh shit! So we all jumped back into our cars and bailed out. I just remember seeing Terry and her teeth were all bloody and her hair was all mangled. I felt really bad ...

My first love

So after being little miss "badass" for a while, I got pretty sick of it. I didn't want to go around beating people up to look "cool" anymore. I actually thought it was pretty dumb. So what did I do? I stopped being a bully and slowly became a young lady. Now don't get me wrong, I was still always sent to detention and whatnot, but only for minor things. So one beautiful spring afternoon something hit me. I looked around while the wind was teasing my hair flirtatiously and the scented flowers tickled my little freckled nose ... hmm ... I think it was the fresh smell of love in the air. Something exciting was definitely on its way and I couldn't wait to see what (or who) it was.

By now I was still a curious and inexperienced little 15-year-old who, as embarrassing as it was to admit at the time, had still never kissed anyone. I was really embarrassed back then because I was this popular chick, yet I still had never ever kissed a boy. I didn't want anybody to know, so I always lied about it and told people that I've made out with guys - what a pathetic liar I was! Anyway, so it was just another Friday afternoon and I was hanging out at my friend's house. Now at that time, most of my friends were older than me because of my older sister. So I was always the youngest one in the group. We were all just hanging outside when all the dudes roll up. Nah, nothing interesting, they were just our buddies, but wait - who is that new hottie with them? Whoa!

That new hottie I saw that day I will never forget. He had the most beautiful dark-black hair that was all messy and really sexy. He had really dark features and beautiful eyes with matching succulent lips - mmm, mmm! I remember feeling my heart race and I just couldn't take my eyes off of this beautiful creature. Whatever it was that I was feeling, I knew that I had definitely never felt that before and I kinda liked it. So of course after fantasizing and ogling over this hottie for what seemed like ages, I finally got the courage to ask all of my friends who he was. Let's just call him James. So there he was - James, my future first love and the one to take my virginity from me.

After a while of seeing one another through our mutual friends, James and I started flirting madly. It was one of those things were it was definitely love at first site for the both of us. I was 15 and James was supposedly 18 at the time. I mean, that was a long story but I think he was really only 16 or 17, but he wanted to be cool and say that he was 18. Anyway, as the summer days passed and the ocean breeze blew, James and I were falling madly in love with one another. We just couldn't handle ourselves anymore and one day decided to confess our feelings for each other. It was one of the most intense things that I'd ever felt at that time, and at the same time it was all so new to me. I really didn't know how to handle myself, so I just kept going with what I felt because what I felt sure did feel good.

I remember I would sneak out on school nights and steal my dad's Astro van. I didn't even know how to drive, but love can make you do lots of stupid things! Anyway, James used to live in what you would call the "North Side". I, however, lived all the way in the "South Side", and that was a very far drive. But once I got there, it was all worth it. I swear it was like magic.

He took me into his car and asked me to close my eyes. Then we finally pulled up somewhere and he kept his hands over my eyes to make sure that I was not peeking. Finally, he took me somewhere and told me to open my eyes. It was just one of the most beautiful lakes I had ever seen and we were standing right in the middle of this beautiful carousel thingie. I don't know what you call it but it was all white with these little white Christmas lights lit up all around it. There were flowers growing all over it and you could hear the crickets chirping in the background. Right then and there I knew that I just wanted to be there forever with this wonderful young man. At that moment, everything else in the entire universe just disappeared and it was only the two of us left. Then he played that song "Fade into You" by Mazzy Star and I swear, I felt like a little princess in a movie.

I used to be so afraid to kiss people because since I had never kissed anyone before, I feared that I would be a bad kisser, so I just always avoided it, but for some reason on that special night, everything just came together so perfectly. It was as if I was waiting for the right guy to come along and there he was in all his glory ... so beautiful. So that night I experienced my first kiss and it was just wonderful! I never wanted it to end and after that I just melted. I felt like a big ol' piece of Jell-O that was all sappy, and I didn't care! I was in love!

It didn't take long before James and I fell madly in love and were crazy about each other. I remember being so in love and it was so cool because this was the first time I had ever felt that way. At the same time it was pretty scary because I also didn't know how to handle these new feelings. It was all happening so fast that it made my head twirl and I slowly became lost in my own insecurities toward James. Maybe it was because not only was he my first love, he was also the one I had lost my virginity to at the tender age of 15. The sweet thing was that he also lost his virginity to me as well. What can I say? We were just two kids who were madly in love.

Things started off like a dream between us but things also ended just as fast and hard as when we fell in love. I was just so young and so inexperienced with this whole "love" ordeal. I didn't realize that I had so many insecurities. I remember being extremely jealous and possessive. I never knew I had those qualities until I met James. I totally hated the fact that I was so jealous of other women. I always felt as if I weren't pretty enough or that I wasn't as womanly as the other girls I saw around. I just saw myself as this short, flat-chested girl with a big ass. This jealousy and these insecurities of mine started to get in the way of our relationship. I loved him so much yet I didn't trust him with anything. I slowly became the girl I had sworn never to be. I was a crazy, possessive, insecure, and a jealous girlfriend. But this sounds pretty normal being only 15 years old and all - I didn't know much. All I knew was that I was in love and I didn't know how to act upon my new feelings. It eventually drove me crazy and James left me.
I never thought that in a million years James would leave me. I was always the one who broke his heart. I was always the one playing stupid mind games and hurting his feelings. I was always the one thinking that I was the victim of love. Little did I know I had it coming.

I remember it clearly to this day. Things were already getting bad between us but we were still trying to work things out. It was my birthday, October 24, 1997. I had just turned 16 years old and James and I were watching a movie. I had been a bitch all day, like my usual self, thinking that he'd keep begging for my love, but for some reason he had had enough of me. He was usually really sweet and forgiving, but for some reason on this night he was cold and cruel.

I felt something funny in the air, and after the movie we walked back to his car. We got into another fight and this time he had just had enough. It was done. James finally broke up with me on my 16th birthday, and this was when my little heart was shattered for the first time. I will never forget how it felt. I can't blame the poor guy, though - I definitely had it coming.

I look back now and I'm glad it happened the way it did, because after that I learned so much more. I was never the same girl again. This is the exact point where the strong, independent, and cold-hearted Tila started coming into play.

Riot girl

I was such a bad girl in my second year in high school. I guess this is where you can say I started to experiment with drugs, smoking, drinking, and all the bad things that teenagers do "just because". I was going through a phase of self-discovery and just going in and out of different groups of friends. I was pretty much all over the place, and I'm glad that part of my life is long over now, even though it's always fun to look back.

I remember being single, rebellious, and just so bad! I used to party all the time and used my sister's ID to get into the nightclubs. I was only 16 but I was at all the coolest 21-and-over clubs drinking and druggin' my life away. I remember it just as if it were like that movie Studio 54. We had a club kinda like that called Club Some and everyone used to go there and get trashed until 7 in the morning. I was so lost and I didn't care. I was just out there not giving a fuck about anyone or anything. I'd do drugs and make out with chicks and it was just crazy!

As I am typing this it is awakening some parts of my brain to remember these things that I have not talked about in years. It's actually kinda strange. Anyway, I remember I used to hang out with the most random people - or shall I say troublemakers? I don't even remember how the hell I ended up with the thugs I ended up with. It was fun yet at the same time it was so scary! I didn't know a soul and didn't know if someone was going to shoot me or try to jump me.

You have to understand that where I grew up in Houston, there was a lot of gang-bangin' going on and violence. You had to be tough and smart to survive. As I look back, I realize that at 16, I had no business doing what I did or hangin' out where I used to hang. God forbid if I ever have children one of these days that they will do the same things I did. I feel really bad for what my parents had to go through with me but hey - you couldn't blame me much either. I was just all fucked up and nobody seemed to notice or care. So I fell deeper and deeper into my hole.

One day after a long night of partying and hangin' out with random people I met three of the nicest guys in the entire world. I don't remember exactly how I met them; all I know is that we ended up in Austin, Texas, somehow and I needed to hitch a ride back home to Houston, which was about two hours away. Meeting these three guys was one of the best things to have happened to me. It was as if I had finally found a home and no longer needed to jump from group to group and hang out with creeps. These three guys took me in and watched out for me. They took care of me and I slowly started having a heart again. Things started to warm up and I slowly started to wind down.

The thing I loved so much about these three guys was that they were just homebodies. They liked just to hang out at home, play basketball, play video games and just have a fun time without all the violence and drugs.

They in a way might have saved my life. I think God was watching over me because if I had kept up the rate I was going at, I probably would have been dead by now.

I had the most amazing time hangin' out with these guys! They all saw me as like a little sister or something. It was just so much fun! We would all hang out every single day. Not a day went by that we didn't see each other. I had never had such great friends like that before and it felt good to be a part of a group. It felt good to know that you could trust the people you hung out with.

I was a much happier girl, but I was also one of the most grungy and dirtiest little girl. This was my tomboy phase, because all my friends were guys and so I naturally felt like a boy. I didn't wear makeup, I never showered, I always dressed like a boy and they all treated me like one of the fellas. Next thing you know I had a group of about 10 guys as my friends and not another girl in sight. It was strange also because I was such a boy that when I finally did meet a guy and go out on dates with him, all my guy friends would make fun of me. I felt kind of embarrassed as well, so I always dumped the guys I was dating for my friends. They were more important to me. I just remember having so much fun with my guy friends - actually, we all had a good time.

While it may be true that I calmed down a little after meeting my three best friends at that time, that doesn't mean that I turned into a little angel for too long. I was still Tila Nguyen, after all! So I guess you can say the little angel in me stayed for a split second but then I started partying again. While it was sweet that my innocence was brought back for a short while, the little devil in me had to come back out again sooner or later. Besides, I was still only 16 years old and I had years ahead of me to calm back down.

I guess you can say everything sort of just fell apart the day all three of my best friends decided that they were in love with me - all at the same time! I mean, before all the crazy feelings started to develop we were really all just friends and I really was just one of the boys ... but then again, I guess I'm just too much fun to be with not to fall for! So once they started all falling in love with me, everything started to change.

Everyone started to feel weird around one another and jealousy started to arise. Everything just fell apart within a split second once the feelings started to get in the way, but for that short time I really did feel as if I had a special bond with each and every one of them. It was very strange but still so sweet and innocent at the same time.

Soon after that I ran away to New York City at the age of 16 with only $300 in my pocket. I was a wild child indeed! My lifestyle in New York City was exactly like Studio 54. It was non-stop partying and big-time trouble for me. While I missed my friends back at home in Houston, I didn't want to look back because things just weren't the same anymore. I had new friends now in New York. My gangster and druggie friends, that is.

The wonder years

While I was in New York I stayed in Queens for a little while with another guy friend of mine. I just never had any girlfriends growing up, for some reason. I just felt more bonds with all the guys, I guess, but not in that adult kind of way - just like a tomboy way. I had the time of my life living in New York City; however, it was just so fast-paced for a small-towner like myself. I went buck wild!

My friends and I used to take massive Ecstasy and go to clubs like Tunnel and Twilo. Back then those clubs were the shiznit! We'd go there and do drugs until about noon the next day. It was absolutely one of the craziest experiences I've had, to go to a club at night and leave the next day. It was pretty sick, because once we stepped outside it was all bright and the entire city was awake. Then there we were in our club clothes, all dirty and strung out in mid-daylight, and taking the trains to get back home. It was so insane! I always felt like shit afterward, but always kept coming back for more.

It gives me the chills just thinking about it now, because that's just something I never want to go back to. It was fun while it lasted but I am definitely not ever going to go back to that. I remember being at these clubs all strung out and pretty much every scumbag there was trying to hit on me because they knew I was out of it. One time I was chatting with one of the bouncers while I was in the club and I remember him asking me if I wanted to go into the VIP area. I was like, "Sure!" So he took me into this room that was closed off and nobody was in there. Next thing you know he shut the door and asked if I wanted to have sex with him.

I was scared out of my mind, because there he was, this six-foot-three (190-centimeter), probably 300-pound (135-kilogram) man who wanted to have sex with this five-foot (152cm), 97-pound (44kg) 16-year-old.

Yeah ... pretty creepy, man!

So I don't remember how long I lasted in New York but I probably stayed there for the whole summer. By then end of the summer I remember feeling I had had enough. It was finally time for me to go back home.

Besides, I totally ran out of money the first week I was in New York and people were tired of giving me free dope. I had to leave.

By the time I had returned home from all the craziness in New York, everything seemed to have changed. It was as if everyone had shifted to different groups of friends and I was pretty much the only one left out. So I had to go on another wild journey to find new friends, and I honestly had no idea what I had in store for me - no idea at all.

Once again I was out one night to the same club where everyone went to and did massive "X" pills. I remember being at my peak of the drug when I just lost my mind. I saw two very beautiful ladies standing in line and I have no idea what came over me, but I remember hitting on both of them.

Next thing you know, I was holding hands with both of the beautiful ladies and leading them inside the club. I sat down on this long couch and pulled them both toward me. They were both pretty fucked up too, so I guess they didn't mind at all. One thing led to the next and the next thing you know I was making out with two of the hottest girls in the club! Oh man, I was such a pimp for being only 16!

After our wild rendezvous on the couch it was already 6 a.m. All my friends had already taken off and I was left with the two girls. One of them invited me to come back to their apartment, where a bunch of their other friends were. Considering my night was so wild already I didn't hesitate to go with them. I had no idea where I was going, I had no idea where my friends where, and I had no idea who anybody was at this apartment that I had just shown up at. There were just a bunch of people running around and I was still totally fucked up on "X". I then remember the two girls and me going up into one of the bedrooms - and let's just say we all had a grand time! They were both 17, so I was the youngest. From that moment on, we decided that all three of us should be dating, and for a short time that's exactly what we all did. However, I started to fall in love with one of them more than the other. Are you guys getting confused here?

So after a while of fooling around and having two girlfriends, drama started to surround us like bees and honey. I just couldn't deal with it all anymore. I had a little epiphany about my life and from that moment I decided just to stay away from everyone. I was tired of it all. I felt washed up and beat even though I was still only 16 going on 17. I felt like an old hag, and that was sad. So I stopped going to parties, stopped hanging out with the drug dealers, stopped everything. I just worried about going to school on time and doing my homework. For a little while there I was kind of like the girl next door ... which didn't last too long, let me tell you!

So I guess after a while of proving to my parents that I had calmed down, they forked out some money to buy me a car. I was very grateful to have my own car because my parents weren't the richest people in the world yet they still managed to get me a used 1992 Acura Legend. For a 17-year-old I had a pimpin' ride with leather seats and a nice sound system.

Once I got my car I decided to get a job. I loved the fact that I had my own transportation. I started to feel like a young, independent woman and it was one of the best feelings in the world. So my next task was to find a job. It was a perfect time to do so because at 17 my record of going to jail twice had been permanently erased from my files.

I had a ton of shitty jobs to start off with. I was in telemarketing, was a sales associate at an Old Navy department store, a hostess at restaurants - anything pretty shitty, I had it, and I also never lasted longer than a month anywhere I worked. So to sum things up, I sucked at working and the pay was fucken horrible.

By the time I'd come home from work I'd be too exhausted to study for any tests or do any homework for school. Then I started failing all my classes. Life was not so great at this point. I hated everything. School, work, life ... Then one magical day I met someone who would change my life.

Junior year

So it was my third year in high school, and I'm still surprised I made it that far! I thought, only one more year to go until I get the fuck outta school and graduate. Well, little did I know, like always, more trouble was on the way for me, but in a good way ... I think.

Let's call her Carol. Yes, her name was Carol and she played a very important part in my life at the turning point of it all. I met her during lunch because she used to sit at the same table with the rest of the girls I used to sit with. I never recalled seeing her around school before even though she was only a grade above myself. She was a senior (in her final year). So one day I just started blabbing to her about how shitty my life was and how I was looking for another job. Turns out she was also looking for a job, and that was the very beginning of the most amazing friendship I had encountered in my entire life.

One day Carol and I planned a day of job-searching together, and instead of being professionals and getting shit done we ended up just driving around and couldn't stop laughing at one another. I had never experienced that much fun with any other girl in my life. At first I didn't really know her well, but after spending the entire day with her looking for jobs, I realized that we had so much in common and I just couldn't get over how much fun it was to hang out with her. From that day on you would never ever see one of us without the other. Soon everyone at school noticed how tight we were, and suddenly people just wanted to hang out with us because we always seemed to have so much fun and were always laughing about stuff. But of course we didn't really hang out with anybody else. It was just perfect with Carol and me, just the two of us ... best friends forever ...

Potheads

I can still remember exactly how Carol and I became major potheads in high school. One day after school Carol came over to my house, and nobody was home and we were bored. Then I remembered that I still had a blunt from some dude and we decided to smoke it in my back yard. Holy shit, man, I was soooo stoned! Actually we were both soooo stoned, and I could not stop laughing to save my life! I don't know how, but we ended up watching Cheech and Chong, and I just remember that I couldn't stop laughing cuz everything was so slow and funny. Then I kept stuffing my face with Twinkies and candy while Carol was zoning out in her own world.

Then the craziest thing happened after that. I was so stoned that I decided to call up some random people, just to blab about who knows what? I remember Carol was in my bedroom. After I got off the telephone I walked into my bedroom and the most awkward thing happened. Carol was doing something strange, and she had this white gooey stuff all over her. She looked at me puzzled, as my mind was in a major state of confusion. Then she said to me, "Oh shit ... my bad - I just busted a nut all over myself!"

The moment she said that I remember my mind went into this massive hurricane and I was more lost than ever. My thoughts were zooming by so fast because I thought she really was masturbating and came on herself, and that put me in a very awkward position. But before my thoughts could get away from me any more than they already were, she just started laughing and said to me, "Relax ... it's just lotion, fool!" From that moment on I thought she was the coolest fucken girl that I had ever met in my entire life! We were never apart for more than a few hours, because we were that fucken tight.

Best friends?

As time moved on, Carol and I became insanely close and inseparable. Not a day would pass when we didn't hang out, laugh, and have a good time together. I remember once when we didn't see each other just for two days - Carol went out and bought me a card saying she missed me! I thought it was hilarious! Actually, we both thought it was pretty hilarious that we had gotten so close that we couldn't let two days pass us without missing each other. It was great!

Carol and I were such good friends that people started wondering about us. They started asking questions like, "Are you two dating?"

Of course we were like, "Are you kidding us?" But deep down inside somewhere, some way, somehow, I knew that I had started to have feelings for her. I mean, at that point, she was the only person in the whole world I loved so much. So yes, I started falling in love with my best friend, Carol. But of course I didn't want to say anything to her about it ... yet ...

So time went by and Carol and I were still having such a great time hanging out together, but soon things got a bit tense between us. I could tell that Carol was starting to have feelings for me as well, but again, I didn't want to say anything about it because I was worried that I would ruin our friendship. Then one night Carol and I hung out the entire night and didn't even sleep until the sun came out. We were at a friend's house and everyone was already asleep except for the two of us. We went on the balcony to watch the sunrise and have a cigarette together. We were just talking about stuff when all of a sudden Carol said to me that she had something to tell me. Then as she was talking she started choking on her own words and she looked as if she was having a really hard time saying something to me. So I helped her out by saying, "What is it? You're falling for me, aren't you?"

The moment I said that, Carol started tearing up and said, "Yes!"

I'm not sure why she started crying, but I'm thinking that because she was so overwhelmed by all the feelings and the newness of it all, with being with another girl and whatnot. So then I told her, "Well ... me too."

From that moment on we had a special little moment that nobody else knew about. We didn't speak of it again until I saw her the next day. We went to this really beautiful lake where there were swans and ducks swimming around and which was really quiet. I remember her face and how beautiful she looked that day with her pretty, curly black hair tied back in a bun with a few strands of curls falling down her neck. She looked so happy and glowing - but then again, I was, too! Then we started talking about "us" some more, and it was strange, but at the same time very exciting. We were now starting to get into something far beyond our control - and it was great!

We both started walking back to the car giggling like little schoolgirls girls who had crushes on each other. Then Carol said to me while she was giggling, "Aw, I wish I could hold your hand right now." Then I started to giggle as well, and we went to my car.

So I drove Carol home, and we were both glowing and full of summertime dreams and surprises. Before she got out of my car she leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips and ran into her house. I was left in my car alone and stunned! At the same time I was floating on a cloud higher than I had ever been in my life. It was amazing!

The next day Carol and I had another talk about "us" and said that maybe we shouldn't be doing this because it's just not right. We tried to deny what was happening because maybe we were both so scared and confused. Yet at the same time our feelings for each other kept on growing. So we just kept on pretending there was nothing going on between us, but that charade didn't last longer than a day. Soon we decided we were going to go ahead and follow our hearts. Nobody had to know about it. Boy, we sure didn't know what was going to hit us.

I was now in my final year in high school and working at Old Navy for $6 an hour. On top of that I was trying really hard to juggle school, work, and a new girlfriend. Carol, on the other hand, had already graduated the previous year and was working as a stripper. I used to drop her off and pick her up late at night at her work. I remember I used to get so upset when I saw guys talking to her at her work and I would get extremely jealous. I hated the fact that she was a stripper. When we were just friends I didn't give a damn, but now that I loved her, for some odd reason the thought of another man groping her body or being able to see her dancing for them topless drove me crazy. I guess I'm just pretty crazy regardless, and this situation didn't help me much.

Time passed, and slowly our once-beautiful friendship started turning into a nightmare. I was so, so sick all the time - and when I say sick, I mean lovesick. My mind was always on Carol. Everything I did, I did for her. In time we started to fight, and it would always hurt. At this point I just wanted my best friend back, but it was too late to go back. We had already lost our innocence. I think the problem was that my feelings for her became extremely intense, unlike anything I had ever felt, while for her it was more like something fun and different - more like an experiment. The thought of that drove me insane. I couldn't stand it anymore. I was sick. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I just worked, thought about Carol, went to school, thought about Carol, and everything was now about Carol. I became so sick that I only weighed a miserable 87 pounds (39 kilos).

So one day, after Carol and I had been fighting a lot, I called her and found out she was hanging out with her other best friend - let's call her Emily. I got so jealous of Emily! I think it was because Carol and I used to be inseparable and now things had changed. I felt as if Emily was trying to take my place. That was it - I just snapped and broke up with Carol. I never even looked back. Didn't say another word. Didn't leave a trail. I just left silently. I think that is what hurt Carol the most. I could have done it in a different way, but what can I say? I'm a Scorpion. We are the most loyal people you will ever meet but when we sting, everything changes. Cold ... like ice. You will never even see it coming.

So I didn't call or talk to Carol for a week. Then I saw her at one of my friends' birthday party. We didn't acknowledge each other, but I could see in her eyes that she was hurt. I on the other hand ... I had become a hostile and vindictive woman. I had no heart left and no feelings. That was that. The next morning I woke up and found a picture of Carol and me that was taken when we were still best friends ... before all the heartbreak and confusion came into play. The photo had been put in the crack of my car window. On the back of the photo was a note from Carol. It read: "I miss us."

For an instant I was sad. Not because I missed Carol as my girlfriend, but because I truly did miss us when we were just best friends. So I decided to go over to Carol's house. I rang the doorbell and Carol opened the door, looked at me, and burst into tears as she lunged forward to hug me. I wanted to cry as well, because I knew what she was feeling. Our dear friendship was now lost and never to be as it was, ever again.

Senior year in high school

Now that all that confusing and heartbreaking best-friend/lesbian stuff was out of the way, I was on my own once again. It was my last year in high school and I just wanted to do everything I could to get the hell out of there and move on with my life. I was ready to become my own individual and find my own way in life, out there in the real world. By this time I was finally getting all my shit together and passing all my classes. I just stayed focused on being in school.

Time passed and everything seemed to be getting back to normal - until, that is ... yes, I found myself a nice little "booty call". You know, one of those things you have with someone where you guys just have sex, but there is no relationship. I figured it was perfect, since I was pretty busy and didn't have time to focus on another relationship, but having great sex without that drama was definitely good.

Good . for a while. But that's another story.