This is one of the experiences Grish, 29, describes in her book "Boy Vey! The
Shiksa's Guide for Dating Jewish Men," recently published in the United States.
This is an unusual and entertaining little book, even in a country that
publishes guides on every subject in the world. It consists of advice based on
Grish's experience with Jewish men, of which, it turns out, she has had quite a
lot. During the past six years she has dated 15 Jewish guys. In fact, almost
all her boyfriends have been Jews. In preparation for writing the book, she
also interviewed psychologists, researchers, matchmakers and ordinary Jewish
mothers she met on the subway. She admits that entertaining her readers was at
least as important to her as teaching American shiksas how to find the way to
the heart of the mensch they have met.
According to "The Shiksa's Guide," non-Jewish American women think it is very
cool to date a Jew. Even the official statistics regarding the extent of
intermarriage (almost half of American Jews marry non-Jews) confirm that this
is a widespread phenomenon. Grish apologizes in advance for not discussing the
opposite phenomenon, of Jewish women who date non-Jewish men. She does not have
enough knowledge of that subject, and she didn't want to interfere in something
that is none of her business, she says. In any case, her impression is that
Jewish women have less of a tendency to date - let alone marry - non-Jewish
men.
Without a trace of machismo
Grish thinks that men and women of different religions and cultures should be
encouraged to meet and enjoy one another's company. To promote this view, she
offers a series of recommendations on how to find that Jewish man. Beyond
mentioning the areas where the Jewish population is concentrated, for women
seeking a Jewish doctor, psychologist, accountant or lawyer, she offers a
schedule of the conventions and congresses of members of these professions all
over the United States.
In her book, Grish discusses a series of characteristics common to Jewish men:
It's very important to them to make you laugh, they're energetic in the
bedroom, they examine the relationship no less than you do, they nourish your
appetite and your mind, they pay a great deal of attention to you without a
trace of machismo, not to mention that because they come from a matriarchal
culture, they appreciate women.
Grish, who is short, thin and energetic, enjoys talking as well as writing, and
does it cleverly. She has been living in New York for nine years. Originally
she comes from Maryland, near Washington, D.C. Her mother is of Italian origin,
and her father is half German and half Turkish. She has one sister. "In my
home, as in a Jewish home, the mother is very dominant," she says. She writes
for various magazines, mainly on the subject of relationships between the
sexes, and she has already written books similar in spirit to "Guide for the
Shiksa," including "Dress Codes for Dumping your Man."
Until she reached a subsidiary of Simon & Schuster, she had difficulty
finding a publisher for "Boy Vey!" Some said they were afraid to touch it. Had
the book been written by a Jewish man or woman it wouldn't be so bad, but a
book written by a non-Jewish woman? Chutzpah.
How did you get the idea of writing the book?
"One day I realized that during the past six years I have dated only Jewish
guys. And that didn't happen because I tried to meet Jewish men, but because
it's part of life in New York - everyone mixes with everyone. And nevertheless,
I had a lot of questions. I consulted a Jewish girlfriend about how to behave,
what I should do, and she said maybe I should write a book. I went to see if
anyone had written about it, and I found books written by Jews about Jewish
religion and tradition, including guidebooks, but nobody had handled it from
the point of view of the shiksa. I really thought that wasn't right."
In Israel, American Jewish men are considered nerds.
(She laughs) "Really? I find that very surprising. Israeli women have to come
here. It's simply not true. I like them a lot. I think they're so great, and
I'm not the only one who thinks so."
On the other hand, it's not clear how happy Grish would be if Israeli women
were to take up her invitation to join the New York scene. In her attempt to
shed light on the world of Jewish men, as a guide to her readers, she writes
that quite a few young Jewish men travel to Israel in their teens in order to
become familiar with the holy sites, but not only for that reason. The romantic
experiences with young Israeli women, she writes, are etched in their minds
forever, and they continue to speak with admiration about the beautiful, sexy
girls they met in Israel.
Sex with a Jewish man, writes Grish in a chapter devoted to the subject, is a
positive experience (if you ignore their hairy backs, she says). She also
attempts to contradict the myth that Jewish men are of modest proportions. The
chapter is full of compliments. In her opinion, the sexual behavior of the
Jewish male is influenced by a matriarchal culture in general, and by his love
for his mother in particular, and therefore he will do everything in his power
to satisfy a woman. So try to enjoy it, she writes, and for God's sake, if you
don't come, then fake an orgasm, so he won't develop more guilt feelings.
The influence of the Jewish mother, she emphasizes, permeates every area of her
son's life. The Jewish man, under the influence of his mother - who is never
without a dustcloth - is obsessive about cleanliness and personal hygiene. He
will shower before the date, and wouldn't dream of sleeping next to you without
brushing his teeth and scrubbing his face. Therefore, don't expect him to say
dirty words. He is likely to hold a dramatic conversation in bed with you, he
is likely to exchange witticisms with you, but he will never utter dirty words.
Be careful, she warns, not to talk about Middle Eastern politics in bed. It's
such a sensitive subject, with such a variety of opinions, that there is no
chance of a peaceful conclusion. You are liable to say something that will be
considered anti-Semitic, she writes, and he will lose the hard-on that you
nurtured so diligently.
Honor thy father and mother
The desire of non-Jewish girls to date Jewish guys, she emphasizes in the
interview, is not related to the Jewish religion itself, but to the cultural
characteristics of Jews. "Non-Jewish women look for Jewish men not because of
their religious background. Jewish men, as a whole, have a sense of humor, a
passion for life, they're generous, they like to have a good time, they like to
eat, they have strong family roots, they care a great deal about their society.
In many cases, they're attractive and successful men. I don't think women are
looking for Jews as Jews, they are looking for the qualities Jews have."
Why do you link up with them?
"What attracts me to them is that it's very easy for them to open up. It's easy
for them to expose themselves; Jews have a culture of storytelling, and they're
open to dialogue. I'm quite a talker myself. That's how I discovered that after
two dates, I know almost everything about them. When I meet a Wasp guy, for
example, he's usually very reserved, he measures his words. When I ask
questions about his family, he's very cautious. I've already had a case of a
man where I asked questions about his family in all innocence, and he said I
was rushing ahead too fast. He explained to me that he believed in revealing
things slowly, and it takes a long time until he brings his girlfriends home to
his family. Even when you do visit the family, everything is very formal and
correct."
In her book she interviews psychologist Carl Weinberg, and asks him to shed
light on the complexity of the Jewish male. Weinberg claims that the psychology
of the Jewish male is based on two outstanding principles, equally important
but diametrically opposed. The first: You are God's gift to the world. The
second: If you know how to keep your mouth shut when necessary, you won't get
into trouble. Weinberg also said that it's not important to Jewish men to be
right all the time. They prefer to engage in self-analysis, and in the long
run, that's good for the woman.
Since the Christian woman who wants to find a place in the Jewish family has to
learn some Yiddishkeit, even if only in the kitchen, the book contains recipes
for Jewish dishes such as chicken soup, potato pancakes and strudel. To anyone
who is hesitant about the kitchen and food, she offers a basic guide to Yiddish
words, which are in any case popular in American discourse ("klutz," "bubeleh,"
"dreck," et al).
Describe the pressure on a non-Jewish woman when she has to face a Jewish
family.
"Any meeting with a boyfriend's family is not easy. But when you enter a
different cultural world, and such a demanding one, there is definitely a lot
of pressure. Christian women will be happy to talk about their college, their
studies, trips - many of them will feel uncomfortable if they're asked about
their families. The obsession with food bothers them. They don't care so much
about food. The Christian woman also feels uncomfortable with physical contact,
lots of hugs, kisses, touching, which they receive so soon in the Jewish
family. She prefers sitting at the table during the meal and making small talk
to helping the woman of the house. That's why, in my opinion, many of the
non-Jewish women who date Jewish men come from warm families, for instance
women of Italian origin, like me, or of Irish origin. Women of British origin
will be less attracted to a Jewish man."
Why do Jewish men go for Christian women?
"That's a tough question. I didn't write about that in the book, because it's
not part of my experience, but men I've met told me that it's much easier for
them to date non-Jewish women. Maybe the Jewish woman is too strong and
demanding. Maybe she puts too much pressure on the man. Jewish women have
specific demands of their boyfriend. It's not enough for them that he's a
lawyer, he has to be a lawyer in a specific field, and not just a doctor, but a
surgeon. Each one has her own whims. That's the impression I've gotten from
them.
"The truth is, I think there's something to it. I was once interviewed by a
Jewish woman journalist, and during the conversation she asked me to introduce
her to one of my exes. I agreed. I sent her an e-mail with his details. She
replied: `How tall is he?' When I wrote 1.75 meters, she replied immediately:
`Too short.' About another guy, when I wrote her that he's 31 years old, she
replied briefly: `Too young.' And all that without knowing them at all! Their
checklist is very specific. And when you live in New York, Jewish men have a
tremendous variety of girls from a wide variety of cultures to choose from."
Is it true that many Jewish men date women from East Asia?
"I see it, too. Asian women are very pretty, well groomed. They don't challenge
their man all the time, they accept him as he is. They are also considered more
obedient, although we shouldn't forget that's a stereotype. I know women of
Asian extraction who are fighters, but in general, Jewish men, and other men
too, feel that it's easier for them with Asian women."
So the Jewish man is tired of the Jap (Jewish American Princess)?
"I have never heard a Jewish man say that he likes dating a Jap. The stereotype
of the Jap is of a materialistic, money-loving Jewish woman, who will look for
a man with money and status, a very materialistic woman who is preoccupied with
herself and her image. She's hard to maintain, and everything about her is
superficial."
Do you sense opposition among Jewish women to the fact that you date Jewish
men?
"Someone once said to me that the fact that I date Jewish men is apparently the
reason why she's having difficulty finding a Jewish husband. It was said as a
joke, but I'm sure there's a lot of baggage behind it. But we're in an open
market, and everyone does what he wants."
And have you ever sensed opposition from the parents of your Jewish boyfriends?
"Usually there was no problem, I was almost always received openly and warmly.
Only once, with a guy I dated for five months, it didn't work. I was invited
for the family's Passover Seder, so I went and bought expensive macaroons. I
arrived at the family home, the mother kissed me on the cheek, I gave her the
cookies, and her reaction was: `I'm allergic to macaroons.' And then she left.
She didn't pay much attention to me during the entire course of the evening,
and I was not invited to their house again. We continued to date for another
month or two, and it ended. The direct reason for the end of the relationship
was not his mother's attitude, but hovering in the air was the knowledge that
there was no chance his family would accept me. He had a very strong mother.
And I understand her.
"In order to prevent problems, I recommend to non-Jewish women that if they
decide to go for a Jewish man, they're best off with a Reform Jew. Jews from
Orthodox and Conservative families are much more committed to the issue of
religion, and therefore, the relationship between a Christian woman and a
Jewish man is likely to be much more complicated. His family will have many
more reservations. I don't think it will work easily."
Do your parents have any reservations?
"My parents were always open to anything. I dedicated the book to my mother,
who always said that if she could do it again, she would marry a Jewish man.
She lived in a neighborhood with a lot of Jews, and she admired them a great
deal. She always said that they were charming, and very good to their wives."
About being neurotic
The reactions to the book have been very positive for the most part, but once,
she says, she had an unpleasant experience. "I went to read from my book at a
branch of Barnes and Noble in Manhattan. About 50 people came, and many of them
laughed at what I read, mainly when it came to sex." At the end of the reading,
she took questions from the audience. A woman who looked to be in her late
twenties raised her hand.
"I think that you've written a poisonous, irresponsible book, it's a disgrace,"
she spat out. "I hope that the book fails and that you fail. Look, it's raining
outside, God is crying when he hears you reading this book." The woman, who
Grish later heard was an Israeli, trembled and started to cry, and continued:
"You're anti-Semitic, you behave toward the Jewish religion like the Nazis did
to the Jews."
Grish can't forget. "I must admit that it was a difficult experience for me,
even now when I recall it, I feel uncomfortable. I think that I wrote this book
with a lot of humor, it's true, but with a lot of respect for Judaism. The
purpose of the book is to teach women about their boyfriends, in order to make
it easier for them to live together. And there's nothing wrong with that."
There must be at least one thing about Jews that you don't like?
"Look, I'm neurotic myself. Jewish men as a rule are also very neurotic. They
have many anxieties, they ask themselves questions all the time. In principle,
I like that, the trouble is that when I'm under pressure from work, family, or
God knows what, and I'm involved with someone who's also neurotic, that creates
a lot of friction. If I were a calm and quiet person, the neuroses of Jewish
guys wouldn't bother me."
Did you ever think of converting if you marry a Jew?
"In my conversations with Jewish men, even those who don't attend synagogue,
the subject has come up. I'm a Christian. I don't go to church much, but I
wouldn't feel comfortable about leaving Christianity. At the same time, I have
no problem raising my kids as Jews. My family doesn't mind. What's important to
them is that I feel comfortable with myself. It's much more important to a
Jewish family to raise Jewish children than it is to my parents to raise
Christian children, so I have no problem with that."
While she was writing her book she had a Jewish boyfriend, one of many, as we
have mentioned, but her present boyfriend is not Jewish; he's a half-Irish and
half-German Christian from Connecticut.
"When I met him I was sure he was Jewish," she almost apologizes. "He has a lot
of Jewish qualities. He's warm, energetic, with a good sense of humor, and he
also has a very Jewish appearance, if I may say so. But I didn't ask, because
one doesn't ask such questions. When I was invited to his parents' home, he
told me not to eat a big dinner, because we'd be having brunch the next day. I
came to his parents' home, and what they served was a roll with tea and fresh
fruit. So I immediately understood he wasn't Jewish. No Jewish family would
serve such a meal."
Do you think you'll marry a Jew?
"I don't know. I want to marry someone I'll love, Jewish or not. What's certain
is that I'm attracted to men who have the qualities of Jewish men. If he's a
Jew, great, and if not, that will be great, too."
