It's very comfortable to chat with people online, but when you meet them in
person a lot of times you just want to leave and go home. The things they say
to me are different from the things they'd say over the Net. Maybe it's because
they're nervous or something. But I have met two girlfriends though the
Internet.
I have not come out to my parents, but my mother knows about me. But not at
first. When my ex-girlfriend Xiniu and I started living together, I told my
mother that we were friends. Because we were so much alike, my mother assumed
that nothing was happening between us. From that point on, she stopped worrying
about me. In the winter she would say, "It's so cold, it's better if you two
sleep together in the same bed." And then I'd smile and say, "Yeah ma, I know."
[laughing]
Later, when I broke up with Xiniu, I went a little crazy. For a period of time
I didn't speak. I would just stare into space. My mother suggested to me that I
should be more careful about the friends I make. But then later I met this girl
in the picture [points to the photo of a long-haired girl next to her bed].
This time, my mother knew about our relationship, because this girl was clearly
a P (femme). We met during summer vacation and got along really well. When I
went back to Qingdao with my mother, after a while this girl quit her job and
followed me there. My mother didn't like this at all. She said, "How could she
just follow you here? You two have problems!" I told her that there was nothing
between us. "Nothing? I see the way you look into each others' eyes! It's not
right."
But there was nothing my mother could do. So she told me not to ignore my
studies and left me alone about all other things.
My girlfriend's family knew everything. They didn't care. Her mother and father
were very kind to me. I'd go stay over at their home, and her mother would
bring me an extra blanket to sleep with.
I used to get really depressed when I'd think about my family and my future.
But since I've entered the lala (lesbian) community in Beijing, I've gotten to
know a lot of people, both online and in the bars.
I used to go the first lesbian bar in Beijing there all the time. There was
also a lala bar in Xidan -- even the owner was a lala. That place wasn't open
for long, only six months, before it was closed down.
Later, there was 2 bars in the Sanlitun area where we would hang out. But later
on we moved to another bar.
The bar was opened by a gay man, but back in the day, Thursdays and Saturdays
were open to lesbians. We all went there. Actually, one straight friend used to
come with me there. Well, she used to be straight. She had always said to me,
"Bring me to one of those lala parties! I want to see what it's like. Wouldn't
I be a gorgeous P if I made myself up?" She was very curious about it. I think
that this thing called lala is very contagious. If you are a lala and you bring
a non-lala friend to a party, it's likely that she'll be assimilated. She
doesn't have to think about all the things she has to think about when she is
with a guy. She can say anything to girls. Her dormant desire to love women is
in this way brought out.
Now there is only one lala bar in Beijing. How sad! It's a lonely little place,
but there's nowhere else to go anymore. I think this generation is already
lost. It's up to the next generation of lalas. There have been lots of great
ideas, but none of them have worked out.
One example, there was a lala conference that was organized two years ago in
Beijing, open to the public. It was amazing! A lot of lalas from Hong Kong and
Taiwan were there. They held classes inside a school and had a big party. There
was a kind of lala film festival, but the plans were finally all aborted.
So now, I'm trying to focus on my studies. I want my final design project for
school to be about lalas. But I'm scared that if I put in lesbian content, it
might screw up my chances of getting into a masters program at the university.
I want to write something about lalas, or if I can't talk about this directly,
at least I can express it through images. I just have to muster up my courage,
and take a chance.
Mei Bin, 22, is studying graphic design and architecture at a fine arts college
in Beijing.
Pacific News Service
From a very young age I knew I liked women. I always hung out with boys, but I
had no feelings for them. They could sense it. At school, boys would say to me,
"There's a really pretty girl over there, go check her out!" Then I'd go over
and come back to my friends to confirm whether she was pretty. So they knew I
liked women, although we never spoke about it directly.
