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An Olympic disappointment
By Matt Brochu
November 15, 2004
Boston - Much like the Parthenon, the Olympics are in shambles, and there's
only one possible solution that would restore the wonder and mystique that once
surrounded these much-celebrated games. Add the oldest sport in the world, a
sport that's been overlooked by the International Olympic Committee (IOC) for
far too many years: Sexual Intercourse.
The Greeks participated in the original Olympic games completely naked, so it's
only natural that we should embrace tradition. But was Eazy E correct when he
said that sex is a sport? Well that's for you to decide.
The following is how Merriam Webster defines the word "sport"- an activity
engaged in for pleasure (although evolutionarily functional, sex is usually
engaged in for kicks) involving physical exertion (which is why most guys sweat
during it) and skill (the clitoris is like a damn rubix cube), usually
involving balls (no need for clarification here), that is governed by a set of
rules or customs (which explains why I always feel obligated to cuddle
afterwards). So, if you don't count the next-day-awkwardness, those pesky
discharges, or the possibility of illegitimate children, then the definitions
of sex and sport are pretty much one and the same.
Scoring wouldn't be a problem, because if you think about it, sex isn't all
that different from gymnastics. Some positions are a lot harder than others and
would be assigned proper degrees of difficulty, and instead of having to stick
the landing at the end, the end would just be kind of sticky. In addition to
the physically demanding compulsory skills, teams could also be judged on
artistry, and in some cases, distance. And it wouldn't hurt to get the
breaststroke involved in some
But the real beauty behind Olympic Banging would be the simplicity of its
screening. Athletes would undoubtedly refrain from using supplements, due to
the tendency of some steroids to shrink certain body parts necessary for
rhythmic slapping noises. This, however, would require several new additions to
the Banned Substances List, namely Viagra, Cialis and any product offered to me
via bulk email within the last 2-months.
These are trying times my friends, not only for the Olympics, but also for our
country as a whole. So support Uncle Sam by writing a letter to the IOC
explaining how you would like nothing better than to see a United States
Intercourse team proudly marched into that Beijing Stadium by captains Ron
Jeremy and Jenna Jameson in the 2008 Summer Ol-pimp-ics. Although, from the
rumors I've heard about Asian porn on the Internet, I may have just handed the
Chinese another gold medal. At least I'll definitely be watching this time.
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